Nancy's Notes

My musings as the New Year begins…

• I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago.  I have to believe that I am always growing.  Experiences don’t stop.  That’s life. Sometimes there are things in my life that are not meant to stay (thank God for that).  Sometimes the changes I don’t want are the changes I need to grow.  Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in my life has been as painful as staying stuck where I don’t belong.  The bottom line is that I can’t reach for anything new if I’m holding onto yesterday.  I hope others will offer me the grace to work in that direction and even if they don’t I need to do that for myself. Sometimes I convince myself that holding on makes me strong, but more often it is letting go and starting anew in the present that has allowed me growth.  I now know if my life is going to mean anything, I have to live it myself.   No; that does not mean my family situation is changing-it just means I have to choose the path that feels right to ME, not the one that looks right to everyone else.  In honour of my late Dad who’s memoir was named ‘One Rung At A Time’ it seems appropriate that the analogy that comes to mind for me is that it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder I want to climb, than at the top of the one I don’t even want to be on.   I commit to at least try not to wait until I’m halfway up the wrong ladder to listen to my intuition. Yes Nancy that feeling in your gut means something.  It is a waste to always be questioning myself when I am the answer.   “I have a choice and I am here now because of the choices I’ve made in the past.”  One of my favourite expressions is ‘When you blame others you give up the power to change.’  I will live that quote.   Every morning I will try to ask myself what is really important, and then find the courage, wisdom and willpower to build my day around my answer.   No wasted time, no fluff, no regrets.   
• I tend to  think and think and think and accordingly will think myself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it.  I know that worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential.  So I have to try to stop over-thinking everything.   Right now this will be particularly difficult for me.  My biggest limitations are the ones I make up in my mind.  The biggest causes of any unhappiness are the false beliefs I refuse to let go of.  I know I am capable of far more than I  am presently thinking, imagining, doing or being.  I may not be where I want to be  yet, but when I really think about it, I am definitely not where I once was either.   I have to believe I can trust myself moving forward not because I’ve always made the right choices but because I’ve survived the bad ones, and taken small steps in the right direction.  I will focus on the right things and just do the best I can.  I can’t  be crippled by stress and self-loathing.  Everything is only as it is.  There’s no reason to let it destroy me.  I will breathe and let every moment be what it’s going to be.  What’s meant to be will come my way, what’s not will fall away.  My greatest gifts have definitely not always been wrapped as I expected.
• Sometimes my time and energy is misspent on the wrong relationships or on too many activities that force me to neglect my good relationships.  A quote from Josh Radnor says “It’s not our job to play judge and jury, to determine who is worthy of our kindness and who is not.  We just need to be kind, unconditionally and without ulterior motive, even-or rather, especially-when we’d prefer not to be.”  I promise that it will be my intent to do that for others and I will ask for the same grace.  I too often let the fear of judgment numb and silence me.  My deepest thoughts and feelings often go unspoken, and thus barely understood.   I am the sum of the people I spend the most time with.  I choose to be around people that will help me grow me into my ‘best self.’   Those ‘wrong’ people can be so destructive to my soul.  I WILL NOT let people invalidate or minimize how I feel.  No one else lives in my body, or sees life through my eyes.  No one else has lived through my exact experiences and so no one else has the right to dictate or judge how I feel.  A great deal of unhappiness comes into the world because of confusion, bewilderment, and things left unsaid.  Many times in life I’ve regretted the things I’ve said without thinking.  But I’ve never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I’ve left unspoken. (Yes Mum I hear you).  I will not  hide my thoughts and feelings, especially when I can make a difference.   I will be brave and say what needs to be said.  When I don’t communicate effectively with those around me, there’s a lot of important stuff that ends up not getting said and a lot of beautiful emotion that ends up not being felt.  I will work to hear others even when what they say conflicts with my beliefs or understanding.
• As Mahatma Gandhi (with whom I share an October 2nd birthday) once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever.”  Life is a book and those who do not educate themselves read only a few pages. It’s clear to me-when I know better I live better.  Period.  All education is self-education I won’t learn anything I don’t want to learn.  I believe that because I take the time and initiative to pursue knowledge on my own time I will benefit from earning a real education in this world.  When I take a look at any widely acclaimed scholar, entrepreneur or historical figure I can think of, formal education or not, I find that he or she is a product of continuous self-education.  Perhaps this year I will pursue some formal education opportunities but continued self education will be most important.
•  Life is short.  The risk to remain perched in my nest; particularly the one I have hidden in for the past 2 months, is far more detrimental than the risk it takes to fly.  This year I will spread my wings and I will fly. (Yes Dad my goal is for this to be both figurative and literal). I’m sure some of you don’t see me as a ‘nest sitter’  but I assure you I have not reached my full potential.  To accomplish great things, I must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. This year I will be a positive motivator, a productive doer, and a go-getter who keeps my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.  I will let the spirit of passion and possibility ignite a fire within me to do something worthwhile today, and I won’t forget to spread my enthusiasm to those around me.    This year I will take the time to touch my dreams.   They say everyone dreams, but not equally.  Too many people dream only at night in the quiet of their own minds, and then awake to find it was all an illusion.  I don’t want to continue to be one of them.  I want to dream by the day instead.  I want to be one of the people who dreams with their eyes wide open, and who works to make them come true.  I only have so much time, and I want to spend it where it counts.